I left my heart in London.

this trip was planned to be a stop in london to visit a friend mckenna then be predominantly mently in berlin to visit another friend but when you plan a trip blinded by love and relationships change the small fears of traveling out of the country for the first time by yourself become bigger and trump all the feelings of comfort that were based off the idea of visiting friends. When I got to London though my anxieties about Berlin were still there with all the uncertainty of that leg of my trip…there was comfort in London, a deep breath I felt like I hadn't been able to take in weeks based on the changes leading up to the trip. London oddly felt like home and I felt a pure innocent joy that has only ever been felt in small intervals in my life up until this point. the only planing i really did for london was a tattoo on my first day and everything revolved around one of my all time favorite artist amy winehouse as well as my all time favorite designer vivienne westwood as i was only going to be there for 5 days two of them being travel days. so once i had gotten ready for my appointment that i was already late for because my eventual uber driver made it very clear no drivers want to pick up in central london to drive over the tower bridge for 80 million reasons that i truly tuned out because i felt absolutely horrible about being late especially because the tattoo artist i was getting my tat from had a very clear late policy that i felt horrible for violating. but once i arrived it was one of the coolest shops i’ve ever been in. When I finally met my artist Laura, she was so kind and stunning. at blank collective they offered me tea from the moment i arrived. i spent 4 hours in horrible fucking pain but having the best conversations with laura. We talked about music and fashion in depth. while sharing funny little stories such as her telling me about her very vivid dream she had the other night about tattooing Tyler the creator which was hilarious and I hope she doesn’t hate me for sharing. Later that night I made the decision to stay in London and not go to Berlin at all. the next day i went to camden after having an extremely disappointing experience with a friend over the phone with just the intention of honoring amy as the tattoo i got was a recreation of one of hers. that innocent joy was amplified during my walk listening to sade to the tube station then taking my first real outing by myself and my first tube ride over. When I arrived in Camden I switched to listening to Amy and noticed when you're alone you take in so much more, I was so at peace. i was going to camden market to get dinner than find the statue of amy, i turned off my walking directions when i say a mural of amy in a warhol style saying from back to black “we only said goodbye with words'' in oddly enough a very similar font to my tattoo and i walked in not even realizing i had arrived at the market. Once I went in I skimmed the vendors and stopped at a booth with some homemade jewelry I was planning on getting for my friends and family then saw she gave readings. I've only ever paid for one reading and the rest have been from one of my best friends buddy so I was extremely apprehensive. I bit the bullet and decided to get just a tarot reading. i sat down with the woman who humbled me very quickly as she asked me to write my name and birth day then turns to me “ your birthday as written says your a pisces but i believe your a libra, is it in your chart” i very quickly responded “oh no i am a libra, my birthday is october 13th 2003” she says in a snarky but teasing way “ oh right you’re american, we write our dates differently love”. She then asked me about my reasoning for coming, if I was alone and what I do for work. i responded with “ well i’m a hostess” she said “oh you work for the airways” and i said “ god no, i have too much flight anxiety for that but i work in a restaurant as a host” she asked me “do you enjoy it?” i said “well not necessarily but it pays for me to be able to be here and there’s aspects i do like such as meeting new people every day but my favorite is

when people notice my tattoos and they compliment them or ask about them or tell me that they’re celebrating someone who’s passed and that one of my tattoos reminds them of that person." She asked to see my tattoos and I showed her the newest first, she looked confused and said how it looked familiar. I then vocalized that it was a recreation of Amy's and she gasped. “ you’re gonna make me cry,” she said. “she was my friend” which nearly brought me to tears. Not only was that interaction beautiful but to be in the presence of someone who knew a woman I've admired since I was young was a feeling like none other. “Amy used to come to me for guidance whenever she felt she needed her spirit guide’s help. i keep a photo of her and i from one day when she came to me for guidance, this was the day she was offered her record deal” to see amy with the woman i’m with sitting in the same chair i am in the same place i am sent chills down my spine, it showed me i made the right decision by getting this reading. The reading left me floored as she covered everything in great detail as well as letting me know my choice to stay was the right one with me even telling her. I then cried happy tears in shock of what I just experienced walking to Amy's favorite bar, the Hawley arms. Later that night I told my mom everything while sitting across the street from my friend’s dorm with so much peace and happiness about where I was and the experiences I have had in such a short amount of time. a few days later we went to notting hill market on saturday where i met oscar he was working the booth for a shop called map london which works with insane artists and though he was probably as old as my mom we talked for about 20 minutes at length about music fashion art etc. while i was excited because i love these topics, he was excited because it made him happy that a younger person like myself was interested in these things. Then I met Christine whom I talked at length about vivienne Westwood and the sex pistols which prompted her to sell me a red label vivienne cardigan for only £45 which the depop girls are gonna hate me for. After this my friend got super sick and I spent the rest of my trip completely on my own. Though scary at first, it intensified those feelings of joy from taking everything in. on this trip i learned to appreciate the little things as dumb as it sounds it’s true whether it was tears of joy that i was brought to when i accidentally ended up walking the tower bridge at sunset or the short sweet conversations with shopkeepers or the small acts of kindness such giving me a free heart shaped pizza because i frequented the restaurant throughout my trip. London was what I wanted but not what I knew I needed and it taught so much about myself as well as changing my entire outlook on life from here on out. with love from london