Tobi Gbile: Welcome to my ‪@TEDx‬ Talk

WRITTEN by Tobi Gbile

Photography Credit: Jasmine Durhal / @jassieuo

I remember standing on the sprawling steps outside of Kaffee Liebermann, an outdoor bar in Nuremberg, Germany with all of my closest friends in Germany on my last night out before moving to Los Angeles. I was showing one of my friends a Note on my phone, and he saw my list titled: “TEDx Talk Ideas”. He immediately began to (jokingly) roast me. I told him that I was going to do a TEDx Talk if it was the last thing I did. He asked when. I said IDK. But since I spoke it, I knew that now, I had to follow through.

Fast forward to 3 months after my move to LA. Even though I was happy to be back home in the US, I was more stressed and unhappy than I had ever been my entire life. Everyone who knew me well knew that I wasn’t myself. I questioned my move to my dream city  of LA, my career path, and I missed my friend group and life that I had created in Europe in such a short time. I was struggling mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I was constantly asking God: “why me?”

It didn’t take long for my body to take notice. After a mental breakdown, it started to shut down. Despite being a textbook hypochondriac, I assumed it was just my body’s response to stress. Little did I know that something much more serious was brewing underneath. 

For some odd reason, I decided that it was the peak time for me to revisit my TEDx dream. LOL. Anyone who knows me knows that I never act on anything until the timing is “perfect”. But the way my life was going, I was questioning whether anything would appear “perfect” again. So one day during lunch, I went on the TEDx website and searched for events in California. 

Next thing I knew, I was sliding into the LinkedIn DMs of the TEDxSanDiego organizer. He quickly responded, telling me the event was full, but that he would be open to hearing my idea. Well shit. I hadn’t narrowed it down to a single idea yet. I sent him a random one from my list, and he said he wanted to hear more. We hop on a Zoom call a few days later, and he admits I have a LONG way to go before being accepted into the prestigious event. However, if I was able to get it there, he would consider accepting me.

That night, I set a daily reminder in my phone to: “PRAY FOR TEDx ACCEPTANCE”.

He didn’t make it easy. In fact, it was the hardest creative experience of my life. You may be a writer, or good at public speaking, but that doesn’t mean you are cut out for the TEDx stage. He was sure to let me know that. But I didn’t let it discourage me. It lit a fire under my ass. Applying to step on that iconic red rug became a second job of mine. I was so determined to make it in.

After a series of complex homework assignments that tested my ability to write, speak, and make people think, he accepted me. I had a contract in my inbox a day later, along with an introduction to my professional coach who would be my Yoda (and therapist, tbh). throughout the process from start to finish.

That night, I set a daily reminder in my phone to: “PRAY FOR TEDx SUCCESS!”

After two months of meetings with my coach, training, the TED Masterclass, and digging deep into myself and my personal trauma to muster up the strength to bear my past on stage in front of 500 people and the internet, we finally had my talk idea.

For those of you wondering what my old idea was  . . . it was about black women’s representation on reality TV. The organizers told me they weren’t interested in them -- they were interested in me. As someone who has been writing make-believe stories about people she dreamt she was her entire life, I was shocked. They wanted me to get up on that stage and talk about MYSELF?! For someone who loves to run her mouth, I didn't love to tell strangers about my struggles . . . because like many of us, I have a whole stack of ‘em. 

But that’s what they wanted to hear. The good, the bad, and terrifyingly ugly. They said that was where my story was: in my struggles.

My coach (and shoutout to her because she is incredible and unstoppable), sat me down and wanted to know why I wanted to talk about the black woman experience in the first place, and what triggered me about mine. So I opened up to her about that little health crisis I mentioned a little bit ago, which turned out to be the giant that is Type 1 Diabetes (watch my Talk on YouTube for all that drama, it was a saga and a half).

Yeah. I went from being perfectly healthy, to having an autoimmune disorder that caused my pancreas to shut down (post mental breakdown), becoming insulin dependent, and not being able to eat a fucking Oreo without my blood sugar skyrocketing. But one of the biggest triggers from that diagnosis was the fact that when I told the people in my circle, they said I would be fine because I was “so strong”. 

It triggered me beyond belief, because I didn’t believe I was strong. I was in the weakest moment of my life and felt as though my health had been ripped away from me. In what world did that make me strong?

All it took was one session with my speaker coach to understand that they saw me as strong, because it was the only side of me I had ever shown the world. But if I was ever going to heal from the wounds I had gained from pushing myself past my limits, giving myself 0 grace for mistakes, and being my toughest critic, I needed to change my approach to inner strength.

That’s how we came to my big idea that I shared when I hit the stage: that strength needed a rebrand. Because real strength should come from the courage to choose ourselves. 

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. But when I got sick, I questioned why God “let it be me”. But if I had accomplished all that I have and will without facing major adversity, in what world is that realistic? In what world is that relatable? As much as Type 1 Diabetes fucking sucks, had I not been diagnosed, the stress I put on myself mentally and physically would have ended my life faster than this diagnosis ever would. It was a forced reality check to show me that if I wanted to be around to watch my dreams come true, it was imperative for me to choose myself by taking care of myself before chasing anything life threw my way.

And now, over a month since that day, I can honestly say that stepping on that stage and bearing my God given story was the best experience of my life. Not because of all the glitz and glamor (I loved it though), but because of how big of a weight was lifted off of my shoulders after I was honest and vulnerable to the whole world, and the understanding that due to my story, people would not only understand what many black women go through daily, but they would also understand that it shouldn’t take us hitting rock bottom to understand that we need to change our perspective on strength and success. 

If you took away anything from my Talk that will allow you to live a happier, healthier, and more full life,  that is all that matters to me. I am so freaking far from perfect and still struggle with applying my new definition of strength every day. But practice makes perfect, and if you promise to practice with me, I believe we can do better together.

So now that I’ve accomplished my latest daily reminder, what will my new one be?

I’m still working on it.

THANK YOU’S:

God

Jack Abbott

Carrie Lin

The rest of the TEDx San Diego team and the 10 brilliantly talented Speakers 

My Family

My Friends (especially all the ones who joined my many rehearsals, traveled to San Diego, and stayed up around the world to watch it live)

My Mentors

Crisis Magazine for giving me another platform to tell my beautiful mess of a story